Has anger ever felt like your friend? Not like some vague, repulsive thing to shun like the plague, but like something or someone personal, who
understands how you feel and think? Has anger ever cosied up to you with gentle assurances that no pretense of happiness is necessary, a confidant eager to let you negatively rehash every moment of a "they've done me wrong" experience in your life?

I know anger and anger knows me. More than I'd like to admit. In fact, not too long ago we were best buddies. We started getting friendly last year, due to a situation where I was unfairly hurt and humiliated. The wound from the attack became a canker whose decay festered in me. The deeper the cancer reached, the closer the bond between anger and me grew.

When I first thought about what this anger might look like if it were physical, I imagined it to be an overpowering person with a face I couldn't distinguish but who was bigger and stronger than I was. Though he looked threatening, I was surprised by the fact he never tried to hurt me. In fact, he actually seemed friendly, coming by to visit and wanting to talk about my problems. Problems that for a time, no one was able to address with solutions that resonated inside.

On numerous occasions, anger would knock on my door and we'd chat at my doorway. Initially I didn't want him in my home. But I found myself enjoying his company. Amazingly he knew just what to say, and when.

Though part of me still wanted to keep him out, gradually I got tired of resisting. Eventually I just didn't feel up to "fighting the good fight" anymore.

So I quit.

I gave up and let anger in. I let him ease into my Lazy-Boy recliner, kick off his shoes and get comfortable. I gave him the remote control, laid out trays of chips and salsa, and let it rip - giving way to the anger, frustration and resentment that were ranging inside me like molten lava in a volcano.

And for a while it was the best!

For a while, anger and I had a great thing going. We connected. I didn't have to worry about him giving me the cold shoulder when I needed to rant. He wouldn't call me a whiner, or act holier than thou when I expressed being fed up with my situation. Anger "got it" in a way that no one else seemed able to.

As far as I was concerned, anger had earned the right to be a regular guest in my home. He deserved to be there, because I felt his presence was justified. I was mad, believed I had a right to be and anger fully agreed.

But something happened after anger became my favorite visitor. Though I treated him well and thought I could trust him, he pulled a fast one on me. I don't know when it happened, but somehow, during those moments when anger was keeping me company, he walked off with most of my happiness!

For months I didn't realize I had been robbed. I had been too engrossed in conversation with anger to notice that happiness was missing. Even under normal circumstances, it's been my experience that happiness sometimes can be difficult to keep handy and in adequate supply.

The more I consider things, I'm convinced the theft wasn't a one-time job. Anger stole happiness gradually. Whether it was disappointment about not reaching all the goals I had planned to accomplish by this time of my life, dealing with ongoing spitefulness and disrespect from others in a situation I wasn't free to leave at the time, or frustration with myself because I was responding to these issues with anger instead of peace, the loss took its toll.

Meanwhile I continued to enjoy my guest's company but at the same time I was extremely angry, restless and frustrated. Anger wasn't giving me any relief from anger! Yet Someone else was waiting to do just that.

All the while anger and I were getting chummy, Jesus Christ was in the picture. Though anger had become my best friend, I was reaching for Jesus at the same time. Sounds crazy and contradictory, but Something inside kept compelling me to keep seeking Him.

I knew Jesus had a solution, but I wasn't experiencing it in my heart. Regardless, Something inside said to trust Him and keep praying, keep studying, keep worshiping, keep fasting. I did those things, but it was a constant struggle. Every single day it felt as if my whole body was being shoved against a brick wall, inches away from being crushed. I constantly craved escape, the ability to breathe unhindered.

For weeks - though it seemed like ages - I felt very isolated from Jesus. I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel Him being with me. That isolation was an ugly place to be. A very unhappy, funky, ugly, lonely place to be. And even though I knew differently, I KNEW I had an unshakable Reason to hope, it felt as though my hope had been taken from me.

I reached that position because bit by bit, I had developed a relationship with anger that became so strong that it wound up controlling my emotions. It became a bond I could not break by myself. Even if I could have forced anger to leave, a loud, insistent part of me didn't want to. I ultimately realized that anger had created a fortress, a stronghold, inside me, that I couldn't destroy with any self-help technique. It was a job that only Jesus Christ could handle.

And He did.

When I asked Jesus to break anger's hold on me, told Him I believed He would do it, and believed it in my heart, something changed. I didn't "feel" any different right away, but he soon revealed how He was changing me when I experienced another insulting situation, related to the same circumstance that had sparked my relationship with anger. But this time things were different.

I wasn't consumed by anger!

This new situation was just as negative as the first but incredibly, my anger wasn't calling the shots! Anger was there, still hanging around trying to steal the microphone, but it wasn't running the show.

Suddenly I realized a major change had happened in my heart and mind. It had nothing to do with positive thinking or goal-focused affirmations. It was Christ, breaking anger's control over my heart and mind.

I had prayed and prayed for God to give me peace in this latest situation. Days before I had asked Him for a breakthrough. I prayed that Jesus would give me the ability to trust Him no matter what happened, and to teach me to walk with Him through the situation regardless of how I felt.

Slowly, He is teaching me to trust Him though it has not been easy.

I believe God let me experience this period of anger and isolation partly as a way of personally understanding how hopelessness can ease its way into your mind until it dictates your life perspective. The anger, the despair, the frustration, the sense of being alone and no one caring can seem overwhelming. The experience has made me better understand why it will be a tragedy to spend eternity without Christ, which He says those who choose not to believe in Him as Lord and Savior will do. I hated that feeling for a few weeks. Imagine an eternity like that.

When you walk though a dark phase in your life, and get exposed to light again for awhile, it doesn't mean you won't have to spend time in the darkness again. I still find that each day is a challenge and presents a question: will I focus on my circumstances or on Jesus?

Jesus is the "x" factor in the anger equation. He has the power - all power - to override anger with peace. Because He died and was resurrected, conquering sin and death for every person who believes in Him as God, He is the Prince of Peace, bringing people into one-on-one fellowship with Him and Father God, through the Holy Spirit.

Jesus understood how important it is to have real peace in a world filled with chaos. Before He was betrayed to his enemies, He told his apostles they would forsake him. But He also knew no matter how bad circumstances became, the victory was already His and that as a result, the apostles and all believers in Him can experience His peace:

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

My battle with anger continues. The pressure is not as relentless as before, but I face many of the same situations and I still fight feelings that are ready to segue into hate. The littlest things can trigger a flare up. Sometimes a cause isn't needed - powerfully negative thoughts can blast their way into my brain unprovoked.

If I had to rely on myself to fight, there's no way I could handle the attacks. But with Jesus perspective changes. With Him, I'm getting an inkling of the peace that cuts through anger. I'm nowhere near where the apostle Paul reached - how he learned to be content in all circumstances through Christ who gave him the strength to do so (Philippians 4:11-13). But I know God can take anyone who fully trusts Him to that level, so that's where I intend to go.

A few bits of my happiness have popped up in odd places lately. I found a chunk lodged between the cushions of my recliner one evening, after plopping down to watch TV. A sliver fell from a favorite book as I flipped through several pages. It was great to find those pieces, even though the excitement was short-lived.

I've decided to look for something more substantial than happiness. I want joy - the satisfaction that stays, that doesn't come and go with changing circumstances. For those who know Jesus as Lord, He offers that joy, and He wants us to have joy because He loves each of us without limit:

"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." (John 15: 9-12)

The more we get to know Jesus and learn to love Him, the closer we get to being full of His joy. The key is learning how to focus on Him instead of wallowing in our problems.

Easy to say, hard to do. I've spent a lot of time wallowing! Can't say that I'm done yet, though I'm working on it. I've also been traveling, striving to reach the point of fully experiencing God's joy. The destination often seems miles away and I'm moving on foot. Sometimes I inch forward. Other occasions I race ahead and become short of breath, sweat pouring down my forehead and cheeks; after my pulse returns to normal I often wonder how far I've really advanced. Then there are days when I don't move at all; I flop down by the side of the road to rest my feet, which are prone to ache from walking on concrete roads.

Yet even when I'm not moving, my goal is to keep facing forward. Regardless of how I feel, I know to keep trying because Jesus is Faithful and True (Revelation 19:11). He will ensure we make it to His peace, joy, and everything else that He offers, because He gives those who know Him the endurance to do so. And since Jesus doesn't give up on us, I'm trusting Him to keep my hope based in Him.

"So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word." (Hebrews 10:23, the Amplified Bible)

©Copyright 2003 Ann Pinkney. All rights reserved.